The Ravens are the crowned champions and a lot of 49er fans are distraught (including my roommate). Since the Superbowl is over now, we have one last vestige to look forward to as pro football fans. The NFL Draft. So let us get the run down on where each team has ended the season… from best to worst.
32. Baltimore Ravens (10-6)- Ray Lewis proves that you can take illegal substances and (allegedly) “murder” people and still come out on top. He is a true rags to riches story if you add in violence, take out the rags, add lots of riches and thank god for everything because you deserve it buddy! Joe Flacco won that Superbowl. You stood by looking like Shredder’s brainless cousin.
31. San Francisco 49ers (11-4-1)- Besides making my roommate an absolute train wreck, the 49ers still found a way to screw themselves. It was as if the game was so out of hand that Buffalo Wild Wings paid some electrician to shut the lights off in order to drain the Ravens momentum.
30. Atlanta Falcons (13-3)- Matty Ice seems to find a new defroster each post season. Mike Smith’s hair creeps me right the hell out. Tony Gonzalez, the greatest tight end to ever play the game has never won a playoff game in his career. It’s like a Nicholas Sparks novel where Nazi’s riding velociraptor’s with lasers kill everyone in the end. Pure sadness.
29. New England Patriots (12-4)- Defense, defense, defense. Does the Sith Lord understand that you need to defend the Death Star to beat the alliance? Which makes you angrier, that those metaphors actually work or that the story of Star Wars can be completely translated into the Patriots since Belichick arrived?
28. Denver Broncos (13-3)- How many teams can get boned by a nameless player on their team? add the Broncos to that list. Payton Manning is still the greatest regular season quarterback in history, but he is kryptonite in the playoffs.
27. Houston Texans (12-4)- Gary Kubiak gets another shot at losing in the playoffs again because they are the Texans and f–k it. They will keep making the playoffs and losing and be a poor man’s Atlanta Falcons. Being a Houston fan is like going to a strip club. You always feel good when it’s going on, but leave unsatisfied.
26. Green Bay Packers (11-5)- Just draft a completely new offensive line. Aaron Rodgers is going to die next season if you don’t do something about it. The Pack need a new secondary and need to draft a linebacker whose powers aren’t determined by his hair length. The Packers are being held together by the smoke encrusted eyes of A-Rod (yes, I just went there).
25. Seattle Seahawks (11-5)- I LOVE RUSSEL WILSON. Everyone’s been saying it, so why not me? He is really good honestly and I like watching a head coach that everyone hates wins. I am an anti-hero fan and Pete Carroll is like the NFL’s Randy Orton.
24. Indianapolis Colts (11-5)- Andrew Luck is the real deal. The offense needs another wide out threat, a better running back and it should be good. The defense needs… well a secondary in general. I could throw for 250 yards on this secondary with a blind fold and Tebow’s left hand.
23. Minnesota Vikings (10-6)- LOL sorry… that was quick. Well this team is essentially free to do whatever it wants move wise other than cutting or trading Adrian Peterson. What the hell happened? Just 2 years ago this team was scary and now… they are sad. Adrian Peterson will no doubt either run for 6,000 yards next season or break his tibia in Week 3.
22. Washington Redskins (10-6)- For the record they don’t have this pick because they traded it to get RG3. I think we can agree this is the one trade that Dan Snyder didn’t totally f–k up beyond all recognition. The Redskins have a lot to work with as long as Dan Snyder stays away from this team. Solid season.
21. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6)- Sigh… I will admit first off I am a fan of this fumbling franchise. The Bengals have an exciting team with a head coach that has the personality of an actual door mat. I thank god Zimmer didn’t leave because without him I think our defense would just say screw it and start coloring picture books. No matter what they do I have no faith… just make the playoffs and bow out in the first round. That’s all I ask.
20. Chicago Bears (10-6)- The Bears are just… I have no idea. Jay Cutler doesn’t give a f–k and the fans just don’t care anymore either. They had the playoffs in the bag and then just… bam, no. With Lovie Smith gone they may have a chance to fix things and again… draft an entirely new offensive line because Jay Cutler is essentially being mugged every down.
19. New York Giants (9-7)- F–k this team. Seriously I don’t get them. Last year, same damn team, Superbowl win. This year, same damn team, nothing. I don’t understand anything about them. Then again when you are quarterbacked by a living potato what do you expect.
18. Dallas Cowboys (8-8)- Is Jerry Jones still the owner? Then nothing will work.
17. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8)- Little known fact, most people in the Steelers organization cannot stand Mike Tomlin. The chances he gets ousted are low due to the Rooney’s preference in stability, which I admire, but when it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. Big Ben can’t take defensive linemen’s balls in his face every play and expect to be healthy for full seasons at a time for much longer. Mike Wallace is probably going to leave and their defense qualifies for AARP benefits next season, so be warned for a fall out.
16. St. Louis Rams (7-8-1)- This team had a big upswing from last year and they were a thorn in San Francisco’s side. Sam “Indian Jesus” Bradford could use a receiving option that has some sort of name any of us have heard of and it would be nice if they would remember that run defense is something too.
15. New Orleans Saints (7-9)- Sean Payton returns and he is eyeing Atlanta like it’s a drunk chick at the bar at last call.
14. Carolina Panthers (7-9)- Will next year be the year that Jon Beason isn’t on injured reserve? Probably not. Will Cam Newton stop being a whiney 4 year old brat? Probably not. Will Ron Rivera get fired? Probably.
13. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (7-9)- Everything seemed to fall apart together didn’t it? They look really good… but then look like an absolute train wreck the next day. Tampa Bay is the Lindsay Lohan of NFL teams.
12. Miami Dolphins (7-9)- Ryan Tannehill… the jury is still out on this kid. He looks good, but then looks like a guy with tremors trying to draw inside the lines. The Fins have a good coaching staff, but what they need more of is talent overall. This team is like a 2.3 GPA, passing, but not impressive.
11. San Diego Chargers (7-9)- They fired Norv Turner and AJ Smith. Well that only took for damn ever. They hired Mike McCoy… the guy who had Payton this year and was stuck with Tebow last year. There is a good chance he has no idea what the f–k a real offense does. Philip Rivers will yell at him a bunch.
10. Tennessee Titans (6-10)- Jake Locker looks like he has never been able to answer an algebraic math question in his life. His ability to dissect a defense seems non-existent. The Titans have a giant contract playing running back and a defense that let their best player walk last year. Tennessee is not in the best of shape right now. It needs Jenny Craig.
9. New York Jets (6-10)- Please let them start Mark Sanchez next year… please. This year was too good. The butt fumble, Tim Tebow, Elroy from the Jetsons even played some quarterback. I have never enjoyed watching a season unfold in my life. Watching this team was like seeing a car wreck where two buffaloes were driving and then out of nowhere Ken and Ryu started to fight and an ice cream vendor was handing out free samples. This was the greatest season in Jets history as long as you aren’t a fan of the J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!
8. Buffalo Bills (6-10)- The Bills will continue to play 1 home game in Toronto so they can disappoint 2 different sets of fan bases.
7. Arizona Cardinals (5-11)- They hired Bruce Arians… that was a damn good move. Now they just need a quarterback (notice that was singular), any quarterback that is not confused for a representative from M/I Homes.
6. Cleveland Browns (5-11)- The former Browns have racked up 2 Superbowls now. The current Browns have no playoff wins since returning from Mordor. I could make jokes about drafting, AARP quarterbacks, a coach named Chud, their ability to lose games on the cusp of victory and other things. Or I can just say what most Cleveland fans say, “next year guys.”
5. Detriot Lions (5-11)- From playoffs to top-5 pick. I missed the old Lions and their futility. This is mostly because the Lions are a pitiful franchise and my ex is a fan of them.
4. Philadelphia Eagles (4-12)- I truly have no idea what direction this team has taken. No one wants to coach here and even fewer want to play here. Philadelphia has become the NFL version of New Jersey. A visit once in awhile is nice, but you don’t want to stay too long and see the locals.
3. Oakland Raiders (4-12)- The Raiders have had the Raiderest season the past 2 years. They give the Bengals a 1st and 2nd round pick for Carson “Pick 6” Palmer and then fire everyone and restart again. I assume that Mark Sanchez will end up here soon and I will relish the depth chart having, Carson Palmer, Matt Leinart and Mark Sanchez. USC Pick 6 Squad unite!
2. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-14)- Let me give new GM David Caldwell a DDP esque high five for essentially saying that Tim Tebow will never wear a Jaguars jersey. I would rip on how Blaine “Sunshine” Gabbert is a bomb of epic proportions, but Mr. Caldwell, you are an intelligent man.
1. Kansas City Chiefs (2-14)- Scott Pioli sucked, Romeo Crennel sucked and Matt Cassel continues to suck. This team is a hotter mess than a Taylor Swift relationship. This team offends Native Americans not because of their team name, but because they are so terrible.