Evan Moorer a good friend of mine sounds off via my Facebook wall about NCAA and NFL football each week. Because they are hilarious I feel I must post them to the general public for your viewing pleasure as well. Well, let us get into this week’s letters in review!
Welcome to this weeks edition of NFL letters, I’m quite unhappy as it is, so I’m putting every team on blast today. No one is safe.
Dear Jacksonville, the amount of horribleness that your team is made up of is rediculo… no, redonkulus. How have you managed to even win 1 game? Even Cleveland has at least 2? I guess when your QB is 18-31 that doesn’t help too much now does it? On another note, who the hell let you play the early night Thursday game? I demand you rename your team, “A Magnificent Catastrophe.”
Dear Giants, Eli freaking Manning… what in God’s name is wrong with you? How did you manage to lose to the Bengals? You’re an embarrassment to the family name dammit. 29-46? I mean you won 2 Superbowls, you should know when to stop putting the damn ball in the air! You’re making Andy Dalton look like the savior of Cincinnati. Never again will you get beat by a man named ‘Dalton’ or I will make sure half of the NY state pelts you with footballs saying ‘we don’t know when to stop throwing the ball!”
Dear Tennessee and Miami, TONIGHT ON SUNDAY NIGHT SISSY FIGHTS! We bring you a match of 2 less than decent teams to play what they believe to be “football.” The Titans crushed the already down and out Dolphins 37 to 3. The kicker at Miami was the only person who left with their head held high that night. Everyone else including QB Jake ‘wake n’ bake’ Locker was either in tears or in a daze. 9 for 21 eh? Guess you have Eli Manning syndrome eh? Wait, this cant be all your fault can it? 3 interceptions? Yeah, wait a minute it is all your fault.
Dear Detroit, did you expect to win?
[You get no gifs]
Dear New England, throws for less throwing yards than the other team, has less rushing TD’s than the other team. Still wins, i guess…
Dear Saints, while running this thing you call a football season you managed to take out the Giant of the NFL in the Falcons. Congratulations. I can’t really be mad at you all this week, you did what you were supposed to do.
Dear Atlanta, Lookin like bama bro.
Dear San Diego, ever since that Browns loss, you Mofos have never been the same have you? you poor, poor terrible team. I feel no remorse for you. With 2 turnovers, 426 offensive yards to Tampa Bays 279 yards and you still lost… Disrespectful.
Dear Carolina, Cam Newton, you are alone. No one and nothing on that team will help you. Welcome to hell. Plus, one of the Manning’s had to win this week. Sorry bro. JK I’m not sorry.
Dear Oakland, so here’s what happened… I didnt get to catch your game so my reaction went something like this “hmmm Oakland Raiders….3-6…..they suck this year… played the ravens alright… oh they scored 20 points on them? Interesting. That’s pretty good for playing the 7-2 Rav-… holy s–t 55 points Baltimore?! What happened Oakland? Who did this to you? Did Baltimore have the entire team on the field? Did you forget you had a game? Did you forget that you have terrible record and should do your best to improve it? 29-45 passing Oakland? More Eli Manning syndrome? You had 422 offensive yards! what do you mean three turnovers? what do you mean it was 27-10 at half? OAKLAND WHAT THE F–K JUST HAPPENED…
Dear New York Jets, I read a headline in the New York Times the other day… “Dumbass in Mark Sanchez jersey ends up being Mark Sanchez.” 9-21 passing Mark? another case of Eli Manning syndrome I see. It must be spreading like wildfire. I also hear the fans wanting something… its name is Tebow and your retirement speech. Did I just ask you to leave the NFL? Sure did Mark.
Dear St. Louis and San Francisco, what the hell do you mean tie? Somebody get out there and finish this damn game. As a matter of fact, San Francisco loses for being such a good team and tying to such a bad one. The Rams lose to for just being plain old awful. DOUBLE LOSS.
Dear Chicago, This is not the NCAA, YOU CANNOT, I REPEAT CANNOT, MIKE NUGENT GAMES. IT DOES NOT WORK.
4 turnovers probably doesnt help either eh?
Last and definitely least…
Dear Pittsburgh, this game proves why I hate you and why you suck. Overtime with the Chiefs, who are the new Browns? They are 1-8! How do you manage to go into overtime? I mean I see Big Ben caught the Eli Manning syndrome with his 9-18 passing, but damn! You know whats even crazier? You won this game! I’m pissed. As a matter of fact, join in with Sanchez, get the hell out of the NFL, you’re cut.